When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD! He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Losing is the new winning.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror. ___________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
One of your personality’s armpits will smell like feet and will probably cock block your next booty call.
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Quote of the Week: “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”
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